the girl (II)

so, there was a young, angry egyptian girl that i was friends with. i won't use where she is from anymore to identify her, because as i mentioned, i hate racial profilling. its just that, after everything happened, i was thinking to myself, did these things happen because i didnt understand her culture, or personality, or culture and personality mixed? thats when i realized culture has a strong shape affect on personality, that is why i am such a mellow pushover always eager to give up my needs to please other people. 

but, in the end, it was just a clash  of personalities, so i decide, i would not mention anything about culture anymore. anyways, i love egyptians.

so, the mistake was we became roommates accidentally, she didnt have a place to stay for the first half of the semester and i decided to let her stay with us, and because i and my other roommate didnt really care about chores and cleanliness and rent (it worked between us two, because we both DON'T CARE). and suddenly living together results in the 3 of us being obliged to move together to a new apartment.

i was being my own self, thinking about my other roommate and how she is going to survive if i give up my apartment because i am going to be done at the end of the semester, and also i was busy and married, so i didnt get a chance to think straight and discuss with my other roommate, and my other roommate was also thinking to oblige to whatever the future arrangements was, for the sake of each other, which resulted in a fatal mistake.

i should have said no, you, EF, move to the new apt by yourself, and made my BF (my original roommate) stay with me, anyway, it is my right, she should give at least a month notice if she ever wants to move out.

but you see, me and BF don't care, we can live in any arrangement and be happy with each other. sometimes i cook and clean, sometimes (although rarely :D) she cooks. i do it because i want to, not as a favour, and i don't ever mention something like "i took my time and do this but u never reciprocate/appreciate" because when i do something i don't expect appreciation/reciprocation and if i get it, its a nice bonus, but if i don't, whatever, i just like to clean/cook, sometimes, it releases my stress anyways.

so, being roommates with EF really made things complicated for me, because deep inside, i want to be free, i dont want people to tell me what to do, especially at my age. and EF is doing just that. she commented on my frequent flights to meet my husband (we were married but had to live separately due to my school) as wasting money. and got really angry when i didnt want to go to eat outside. i dont like people being angry at me. period. and someone who is not my family/mom/dad telling me what to do? i am sorry but that's crossing boundaries, i didnt even ask for any advice.

so thats the reason we fought (actually a visit from a friend and a heated discussion about sex and marriage initiated the real fight). and then, i realized, due to her personality, i won't miss her as a friend. 

so there. why am i telling all this? i guess because at some point, we still are fighting. i don't want to care anymore, but since we have the same circle of friends, we still meet but do not talk, and i would hate to discuss her with my other friends, because i dont want my friends to start choosing between me or her, or to hear people complain about her and be happy that at last i found people with the same opinion as me... because i hate harboring bad feelings towards people. i want to have neutral or good feelings. for my OWN sake. and i dont prefer to tell this to my husband because its stupid and it is not worth his attention.

so perhaps, a useless blog posted anonymously will help to vent out my anger i guess.

The Egyptian Girl (I)

i dont prefer to deal with people through racial profilling. unfortunately, it is inevitable. My best friend is a chinese muslim, and although she is muslim, she is chinese in her dealings. shrewd, money-oriented to a certain extent, extremely competitive..... of course she has other good, awesome qualities that makes us good friends until now. and my understanding about her personality, actually helped me value her friendship and if something happens, i would definitely fight to keep our friendship going. if we ever get into a fight (which we always do during our years in college) if we ever fight again, i would definitely be the first to say sorry and rekindle our friendship. same goes for many other acquaintances i had during my undergrad years.


there are a 3 kinds of friends. someone that u can say whatever to, hurt and get hurt, but  in the end of the day, make up and be better friends because they are worth it. some, u just never get into a fight with, because your personalities are similar, and you can just get along well. some, have clashing personalities, that if u fight, there is no way to rekindle, but of course, if you rekindle your friendship, its going to be an amazing one. 


call me selfish, but when a fight happens between me and one of my friends (which rarely happens, because we are all mature and independent now), i would evaluate the person as a friend, whether its worth it to let my ego down, say sorry and try to rekindle, or just leave it to that. 


so this happened to me and the egyptian girl, and sadly, i chose to let go. and even if i did feel sad because i felt she was a good friend, but at some point, i also felt the benefits of not having her as a friend....


so the story goes.... 

I am Back!

I haven't been writing for a long time. I also have a private blog, and i haven't been writing for almost 2 years. Why? First, because i got married. I write because i want to voice out my frustrations, feelings and anger and my love towards my religion. Marriage, in some ways, provides a channel for me to vent out this feelings. Unfortunately, this resulted in me being less creative in my writing.


After about a year being married, i am back. because i feel there is a lacking of marriage information for muslims. i want to read about the married life of a muslim, unfortunately, there aren't many because of course, muslims are not allowed to discuss intimate details of their lives with other people. But maybe being anonymous helps?


But i am not after the intimate details, however. i am just interested in how people handle  marriage life, and i am still very much amazed and how beautiful Allah made marriage to be.... 


and also i have been reading, watching and researching history through korean dramas and would love to share some insights about the drama and relate that to islamic history.


I am writing from a new perspective, but  i didnt want to lose my old blog posts, even though they are irrelevant and may reveal who i am. 


ok, enough of me trying to explain myself. I want to provide good writings that appeal to muslims.

the ritual begins.
the gods, Latta, 'Uzza and Manna uses new tricks.
perhaps, they are alive, afterall.

rituals always begin with sacrifice.
the cursed gods used to crave for virgin blood ever spring

thousands of years later, the cursed gods still demand sacrifice...

perhaps, it is still virginity
so that the cursed gods can sell birth control pills

the ritual (1)

the ritual begins.
the gods, Latta, 'Uzza and Manna uses new tricks.
perhaps, they are alive, afterall.

men are created to worship.
perhaps, we need to worship God in one form or the other.
if its not the Almighty Allah, the one and only
the societal gods will do.

the ritual must begin with sacrifice.
children breaking rules, begging their parents for money.
to meet the conditions of the gods.
wearing their expensive, trendy clothes, they beg for more money
for the latest gadgets
and more, for the latest shoes
perhaps, starving themselves, or working till midnight
someone has to sacrifice one way or the other

are they pleasing themselves,
or are they pleasing the latta, 'uzza and manna?

siapakah muhammad?

muhammad rasulullah, yang menggali khandak bersama-sama

yang sama-sama menahan lapar, malah lebih lagi

yang sama-sama menanggung beban, malah lebih berat lagi

it was a cold, lonely night.
husory's muallim recitation is still, hanutingly beautiful.

the Quran is so sophisticated, that it is also fragile.
take one word out of it, then the whole Quran will be imbalanced
that is why, nobody else is able to preserve it, except the Lord Himself

the jins said "its shows the right path, so we believe in it" (72:2)
the thing about the Quran, it is the truth, regardless
we have to follow it, regardless

but being the word of God, it can't help but being so beautiful, so amazing.

the girl in red said that in the Quran, Allah mentioned the concept of a day being like 50,000 years (70:4)
the crazy turkish guy asked, "isn't the book pointing the obvious?"

Eqraa'

its a cold, snowy night. i want to grow old looking young and beautiful.
so i read the Quran.

the Quran

stop looking at the Quran as just a book.
its the word of God.
its beautiful
its full of codes and repetitions.
unless you understand the Quran, unless you immerse yourself deeply in the Quran
you will never understand the meaning of life

i am listening right now:

al baqarah - more words, more explanation and less rhymes. easier to listen when studying or doing something else.
ash shu'ara - i can't pay attention to anything else when listening to this.
qaaf
az zaariyat
at tur
an najm
ma'arij - my favourite verse : fasbir sobron jameela
nuh
jinn - just because its so beautifully rhymed.
muddassir
oh i havent heard maryam for a while. i miss maryam biriwayat shu'bah. there are so many small differences between shu'bah and hafs an 'asim.

i don't know which surah from the Quran i like most
every surah have its own uniqueness, has its own special traits
i cannot really choose between them
i can only continue to be amazed and amazed and more amazed

why are the rewards in hereafter so materialistic? beats me.
why isn't it like christianity, to be the children of God, to be happy being beside God?

its funny how a religious christian's aim would be to die and sit beside God,
while a practicing muslim (read: me) would prefer to have all the clothes she can wear in all the fashions possible. be in heaven where she doesn't have to think about anything except for having fun. how shallow muslims are! (read: how shallow i am)

the thing is, Allah never denies the our selfish desires. What Allah wants is for us to treat our desires with patience. Because the rule of the world, selfish desires are detrimental. But in heavens nothing is detrimental.

so, no, i dont want clothes. i want to sit beside prophet noah and discuss about his ordeal with his people. its amazing how the prayer of a man living some 50,000 years before us is recorded in the Quran. just thinking of it make my heart stop. i want to sit beside him, and a few other people that i met in my life, when they smile, make my heart melt and feel like in heaven. that is worth to me more than anything in the world. surely, if Allah can give all the neverending fun in heaven, this is easy for Him.

oh, now i am not so shallow? maybe boring even

the jinns said "inna sami'na Quranan 'ajaba" (72:1)
its really, amazing how the jinns can be amazed by the Quran
but most of us can't

the Quran, is not magic (sihr)
but its mu'jizah

tell me

1. "how come, after all these findings in science, Allah decide that he won't send anymore prophets to explain things?"
2. "have you ever seen the prophet? how come you believe something you have never seen before?"

1. i am wondering the same thing too. only Allah knows best. without islam and the Quran, nobody will ever understand science. Islam opened the world to knowledge beyond its reach. The Quran was the catalyst for all these findings.
2. well, have you ever met darwin? have you ever seen evolution happening in front of you? then how can you believe it??

its been a long time since i met a non-believer and try to make sense of what he says, so that i stay on the right path.

pardon me, my writing is a bit rusty

non believers, agnostics, atheists, are always interesting.
they can argues with everything, and question every single thing about Allah,
but believe in science.

i thank Allah that i am saved from being among them. being a muslim, to truly believe, is a gift. dear Allah, never take this beautiful gift away from me.

Surat Saad

its the 38th chapter in the Quran.